Turning Upside Down
I’ve been meaning to blog for awhile about what’s going on in my world, but every time I start I just end up deleting. I guess that is par for the course when you feel like everything around you is turning upside down.
Have you ever felt like you are constantly in a raging war with life? I guess that is the best possible way I can describe my thoughts. A raging war… every single day!
Even as I start to write this, I have the compulsion to just delete and start again another day. Although I know it may be therapeutic to get a little bit of my raging war off my chest, as I know I can’t possibly be the only one feeling the way I am. In fact, I know thousands and thousands suffer from the same thing. It’s called anxiety!
The Vicious Cycle
Interestingly enough in June, I decided that I wanted to go back to school. I started the process to complete my bachelor’s degree in Religion with a minor in Christian Counseling. But as with anything I’ve done over the last 3 years the inevitable happens. Something in life blows up and it feels like the devil is standing in front of me saying, “Not so fast, lady!”
I cannot tell you how many times this has been the case with my business. I start something great, then an illness, life crisis or something chaotic happens preventing me from following through. Time and time again this has happened, and if I’m honest I believe it’s one of the sources that brought on some of the anxiety I’ve felt the last 6 weeks. Although this time it really did me in.
Time to Cancel
The beginning of July Russ and I were set to board a plane to Thailand with our first stop in Hawaii for a few days of rest before meeting up with all of our Stampin’ Up! family. We look forward to being reunited with our friends and spending quality quiet time with them. This year there was a change in plans.
Two days prior to the trip I felt like I had a sinus infection brewing. That turned into actually being a dental issue (the big battle I’ve had for 4 years) and there was no way flying 30+ hours was going to happen. Telling Russ to “unpack” his suitcase was awful and I cried for days with disappointment. More disappointment in myself than anything.
Russ was amazing as any good husband should be, but how could he not be disappointed?
It was time to push past that and take care of the issue at hand. A trip to the oral surgeon, one tooth extracted and I was hopeful the issue was cleared.
Not so fast….
4 days later that sinus infection I felt brewing was rearing its ugly head. This started a trip to the doctor, then back to the dentist and then to the doctor again. It wasn’t until about 2 weeks ago when my internal volcano finally erupted.
I was sitting in the church nursery about two weeks ago when all of a sudden I felt really odd. I could feel my heart rate climbing out of control and everything around me felt like it was fading. My first reaction was to jump up from my chair. I felt like I was dying. It was panic. This horrible feeling of impending doom.
As awful as I felt, I couldn’t bring myself to tell the other nursery worker what was happening from sheer embarrassment. I know, ridiculous. You don’t have to tell me that. Thankfully, church ended quickly I grabbed my kids and we headed home. Russ had just left for a business trip that morning so I was alone with the kids.
We weren’t home 20 minutes when a friend called from church to ask if I was okay. I guess my abnormal quick exit was a clue. Typically I am one of the last ones to leave because of my Chatty Cathy self. Not that day. I ran to my car.
So here I was on the phone with my friend and I couldn’t even tell her what I was feeling. But she could sense I wasn’t my normal self. Not long after she offered to come grab my kids.
Alone and Panic
After the kids left I sat to try and gather my thoughts. Only I couldn’t do that. In fact, I noticed my heart rate was a steady race, and I just felt like crap. With no one around, I was starting to panic more. My parents were just driving in from Kentucky after being away on a mission trip. How was I going to explain this with a phone call?
Literally, as they pulled into their driveway I was calling. My mom knew something was wrong just in my voice. They were on their way to get me.
I sat with them for a few hours before agreeing to be seen just in case this was something more than anxiety, and I’m thankful I did.
Of course with my heart rate sky high, I was quickly shuffled into a room as a cardiac patient. My heart was running a race but my feet were not. Truly exhausting. This is clearly why I don’t run.
I was blessed with the kindest doctor, and for once in 3 weeks I felt like someone was listening to me. I shed many tears, and my thoughts were overcome with worry. What if something was wrong with me? I couldn’t shake that thought. What was happening to me? What happened to this strong girl I’ve always been?
Even though I was scared out of my mind, I knew God was with me every second. Dr. Lucky (yes, that was his name) spoke with the softest voice, showed concern, held my hand and I was able to calm down. I was also thankful to have my mother sitting next to me.
With a diagnosis of anxiety, continued sinus infection and labs drawn I was given some great meds and I was on my way home. I followed up with my regular doctor last week and went over my labs. That was interesting. It appears that my hormones are in FULL swing and menopause has begun. All I can say is poor Russ. This probably explains why my kids are running around the house with hoodies and I’m half naked in my house. Who knew?
Light at the End of the Tunnel
This past Saturday was the first day I felt GOOD in 6 weeks! It was like a Christmas miracle. I spent 4 hours at the beach with my kids enjoying the sunshine, laughter and the kids from our youth group. I loved every minute.
While the last 6 weeks have been extremely trying, I am thankful for a God that never leaves me. I am thankful for the love of friends who have prayed every single day, sent cards, texted, called and lifted my spirits. The past 6 weeks felt like an eternity at times, but the light is bright at the end of my tunnel and I feel better! Now to get my cheerful self back in the groove of life and get back to my happy self.
Lastly, I have something pretty to share. It felt great to stamp and use products collecting dust on my shelf. I thought I would start with a set that made me smile, Message in a Bottle.
This set brought a smile to my face with the whimsical sea images.
I added the gorgeous Wood Textures Designer Series Paper. I love how the planked wood looks with this set. So pirate! I ran the Crumb Cake cardstock through the Seaside Textured Impressions Folder and I love how this looked in the background.
Lastly, one of my favorite embellishments I added to this card was the Copper Trim. I love how it pulls apart and reminded me of fish netting.
I hope this sheds some light on my absence.
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