Finding My Way Again
Depression is NO joke but I am finding my way again.
I could end the conversation right there and I think most of you would greatly understand. Â The good news is I’m excited to update you on what’s going on in my crazy little world. Â
I’ve tried to sit and update you many times but I’ll be honest, it’s a bit embarrassing to say the least. Pride is crazy. Â I have let so many people down in the last 9 weeks which tugs at my heart strings. At the end of the day I know I’ve done the right thing. Â Does that make sense?
So many things I had to let go so I could take care of myself. Â It’s rare. Â Truly RARE. Â As a women (I’m sure men too) we take on that caretaker role and seem to always put ourself last. I hope that those of you reading can learn one thing from my experience… take care of yourself! Â It’s important!
I’m sure there are some out there that might think I  have not handled the situation the best.  Some might even say, “Suck it up and move forward!”  Believe me, I’ve had that same thought many times.  Any responsibility I had, I had to be free from. Sucking it up was not the answer this time. Â
My team has been left stranded during this time I needed away.
My dear friend and demonstrator picked up my club when I couldn’t even think to create.
Saying NO to so many opportunities… knowing that getting off the couch wasn’t even an option. Â
Letting go of the end of my Stampin’ Up! year when things were going pretty good….
While all of these things make me terribly sad because I had to put everything to the side I know in my heart had I NOT done this I would be in a bigger mess. Â Lord knows we don’t need Kimberly in a bigger mess than she already is. Â
When I started this “get well” journey in April I was pretty determined.  Many obstacles came along the way and one of them the most surprising to me.  I started eating very clean foods and exercising daily.  I was a mean walking machine.  Leslie Sansone and I were best friends for WEEKS.  Then about three weeks ago I felt like I hit a brick wall.  Every afternoon I would sit on my couch and promptly fall asleep.  I’m not talking a little cat nap either. I mean a full blown 2-3 hour I’m asleep nap. Â
Mad. Â I was so angry. Â I thought this exercise thing would boost my energy. Â Give me the warm fuzzies and make me feel FANTASTIC. Â Leslie even says so in her videos. Â Umm… not Kimberly. Â The good news is I was losing weight. Â 19 lbs GONE. Â The bad news is I still had that “I’m a loser attitude!” Â
I put off going to the doctor again because she already thinks I’m crazy. Â
God had a different plan. Â Don’t you just love when God intervenes? He knows! Â He really does.Â
About 10 days ago I was reaching for my coffee cup when I felt something sore on my BOOB!  I felt it and almost peed my pants in the kitchen.  It was a LARGE lump.  I gathered myself and went to wake up Russ.  He was sleeping so soundly until I pounced on him to feel this large lump.  I am sure on any other day this would have a been a great wake up call but not today.  When I noticed his eyes get LARGE I almost wet my pants again.  I called the Dr. right away. Â
That day I was seen and the ball started rolling to get a mammogram and ultrasound done. Â The only down side was I had to wait a week. Â Seriously people…. I had myself dead and buried during that time. Â It’s so easy to say, “don’t worry….” Â Until you know what it is your mind races. Â I prayed. Â A LOT!Â
While I was seeing the dr. I had a melt down over still not feeling great. Â She was in my face again about the depression and that it takes time. Â
She was right.  It takes time and I’m impatient.  After becoming a hermit in my house my mom stepped in too.  She started dragging me to places to get me out of the house.  Great for me- bad for Russ.  My mom loves to shop and that’s what we were doing.  Funny thing is I noticed I started to feel better.  I started laughing again.  (Any trip with my mother brings on hysterical laughing!  Like the time she was rolling around in the water at the beach and couldn’t get up because the waves were hitting her.  I laughed myself silly!) I was also being very intentional with prayer too.Â
The week of waiting to have the lump checked was the week I felt better. Â Isn’t this strange? Definitely a stressful time, yet I felt so much peace. (this was after I picked out what I would be buried in!)I started back to my normal day to day routine. Â While I am still tired, I can feel myself starting to come out of this crazy sadness. I can see a light at the end of my very dark tunnel. Â
On Monday I had the lump checked with a mammogram and ultrasound. Â I have a very large CYST. Â 4 cm. Â I went on Wednesday to speak to the General Surgeon to see what I should do. Â Right now we are going to keep an eye on it and re check in 6 months. Â Relief…. Serious relief. Â
Friends, the past 9 weeks have been a battle. Â A hard long battle. Â Even the strongest of women can have weak moments. I know I’ve let many down during this time frame. Â The only thing I can ask is forgiveness while I heal. Â A lot has been handed to me on this very small platter. Â When I thought I had it all under control and “handled”… I learned otherwise. Â Even being in the medical field I know what stress/depression can cause but I thought I was much stronger than that and I also had expectations to uphold. Â I couldn’t keep up with the expectations. Â I fell hard. Â
Many of you have written cards, personal emails and sent me messages. Your words of encouragement, prayers and love have meant the world to me. Â I can’t say thank you enough. Â I have a TON of emails to catch up on. Â Please bare with me. Â I had over 1000 emails that I let accumulate. Â That’s a battle in itself. Â
To my online customers. Â I’m humbled you still believe in me enough. Â You have so many demonstrators you could choose from. Â Ones that are on top of their game… you still chose me!?? Â I’m truly humbled. Â
What’s next? I’m stamping. Â It’s a slow start friends… but I am going to get back to what I love, creating. Â
I love you friends. Â
XOXOXOXO
19 thoughts on “Finding My Way Again”
From another stamper by the sea I am so glad to hear you are starting to see the good in everyday again. All to easily we as women neglect ourself and it can only lead one way. You have been missed xx
Happy to hear you are getting to the other side. So sorry you have had to go through all of what you have went through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!
God bless you!
Wow! I have been there myself, so I can certainly empathize with you. I am also in the medical field, and you did hit it on the head. We feel we must be stronger. We are the caregivers, not care receivers.
So happy you are finally getting out of the dark and into the light!
Hugs! You can only do what you can do every single day.
Gladvyou were able to write about your struggle. I’m sure it will help with your healing too~Been there down the same road. Keep climbing……feel good…..be blessed and refreshed ????
Lots of HUGS to you Kimberly! You’re getting there. Just hang on. I’m praying for you too.
Sending love and prayers to you my wonderful friend.
((((((((HUGS)))))) to you sweet lady. I was so happy to see a creation by you the other day. You don’t owe apologies to anyone. Take care of YOU! Sending healng thoughts and lots of prayers your way.
Hugs and hang in there. I know exactly how you are feeling when life seems too over whelming. Somedays I wish I could just get in the car and drive away from everything but too many people depend on me. Just take it one day at a time and sooooo glad to hear it was a cyst.
I am right there with you my friend. I have the cysts and the anxiety and depression. You did the right thing! Prayer and taking care of yourself. My favorite saying through my struggles is, “let go and let God.” Hugs and prayers!!!!
Even us strong women have to take a step back and exhale..no shame in that..God wants the control back and he will bless you. Missed you and love you.
Sending tons of good thoughts and positive energy your way!!
Kimberly, I’ve admired your work so much that I have a Pinterest board dedicated to you. Now I have another reason to admire you. For many, many months I have been struggling with my longest bout of depression ever. For most of my life this has been a well-kept secret except for a chosen few. A few months ago I “outed” myself – I figured I wouldn’t keep arthritis or a broken leg a secret so why should I keep this one – lol. So glad you are doing better – take care of yourself. Hugs, hugs, hugs. (Your “couch” comments especially resonated with me – it feels like such a safe haven, doesn’t it?).
Hugs and prayers! I am glad you are taking care of your self and your family first! The Lord is with you every step of the way.
Been there, done that! And it’s hard to dig out of it. It’s something you don’t have control of. No apologies!!! You have to be selfish at this point and focus on you. Hope to have you back soon but take all the time you need.
Big hugs to you and prayers … everyday is a battle, I have been on that road. Nothing you could control on your own. God knows! So very proud of you and all you are to everyone! You inspire us with everything you share.
Kimberly…it’s so good to hear you are on your way to recovery. I’m holding you close to my heart and wishing you every happy thing…B
Hello dear Kimberly!
You are doing a world of good sharing your story! I think I am one of many who has read your posts and said “wait a sec, that sounds like me!” Sometimes we see ourselves in others’ struggles and realize we have to take care of ourselves, too. Thank you for being brave enough to bare your soul because you are truly helping us! Plus we all think you are beyond wonderful so when we see someone like you struggle, we give ourselves permission to admit that everything doesn’t have to be perfect 24/7 and we can still love ourselves!
Soooo glad to see that creating is bringing you joy! I wanted to leave a comment on your Awesomely Artistic post but it wouldn’t let me. The second I saw that set I thought of you and knew you would do something spectacular with it! Then bam, there is your awesome card! 🙂 Love every little detail and you’re right, those vintage buttons are the sweetest! Stamping brings me joy, too, and has helped me weather some big storms! It just takes me away from my worries!
Hope your little family is enjoying the summer! I am in awe of you doing all that walking in this FL heat. Huge congrats on keeping it up when you can. You do inspire me and if I start walking you are a miracle worker! Enjoy your Independence Day weekend and God Bless the USA! And YOU!! xox
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