Time to Update!
I’ve been meaning to sit down and catch you up on my absence but I just didn’t know where to start.  I would sit down to write only to walk away with no energy to finish it.  Not a great feeling, but the truth. Â
Since January I have felt physically BLAH. Â I’m normally mentally BLAH but this was now physical. Â Getting up out of a chair was painful. Â Every one of my bones hurt and I felt like I was 80 years old when I was getting out of a chair. Â Not kidding. Â I’m only 44 so that was starting to scare me. Â Not to mention the complete lack of energy. Â I didn’t want to do ANYTHING except lay on the couch and sleep.
Having 2 teenagers in the house means there isn’t a lot of time to sleep. Â <sigh>
I finally went to the Dr. the beginning of April and the nurse in me had pretty much diagnosed myself. Â I was 100% sure I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and my weight gain had to be because of my hormones.
*WRONG*
After much testing (complete overhaul) I went in to hear the results.
STRESS & Â Adjustment Disorder….
WHAT? Are you kidding me? I didn’t feel stressed at the moment and I’m pretty sure I can adjust to anything at this point.
I could feel myself slinking down in the chair as my Dr. discussed this with me. Â I started hearing all of my dearest friends and families voices, “Kimberly, don’t forget to take care of YOU during Russ’ recovery!” Â Honestly I felt like I was getting a spanking from the Dr.
More discussion lead to more understanding of what was going on. Â As much as I wanted to blame my weight gain on my hormones it wasn’t the cause. Â Stress was the cause. Â As much as I wanted to blame my tiredness, lack of energy and bitterness on hormones… Depression was the cause of it.
Why did it hurt to move then? Why are my bones hurting? Well, that’s because STRESS has overtaken your body Kimberly.
I went home with a slew of referrals, meds and a big kick in the pants. Â It was time to really put on some BIG BIG girl panties and take care of me. Â That’s not easy for the girl who loves to take care of everyone else. Â I was embarrassed as well.
First things first, I started Physical Therapy to help with the terrible hip pain caused by Bursitis. Â Who knew your muscles could basically freeze up from lack of moving. Â Here I thought I was moving around all the time. Â Not true.
I also started a workout program, weight watchers and this snowballed into a massive life changing experience. Â As much as I didn’t want this to happen, there was no getting out of it. Â I’m committed.
The hardest one to tackle for me was the label of Adjustment Disorder….
Umm, I’ve been known to adjust pretty darn good. Â The truth was I am not adjusting to the new normal inside my home. Â In fact, I almost mourn the past. Â I can’t get through a conversation without the mention of the STROKE. I try hard not to say it, but somehow it always comes up. Â Yes, I’ve struggled with the new normal. Â In a sense I think there is a bit of anxiety related to all of this as well. Â The “What if’s” are always on my mind.
What if he has another stroke…
What if he can’t regain all of his strength…
What happens when he retires?
Questions I have no control over yet they are constantly on my mind.
The good news….
I’m getting it all taken care of. Â Depression is not something to mess with. Â I’m getting the help and putting my pride to the side.
I’ve written before that sometimes we think as women we are Superwoman. Â I’m here to tell you that it’s all make believe and we are not. Â As much as we try, we can’t be all things to all people all the time. Â At some point you have to raise the white flag and take care of YOU.
In all of this, as hard as it was to type I know God has been faithful in this entire journey. Â I’m learning knew things all of the time. Â I just pray that my story can help someone else. Â The stoic Kimberly didn’t plan on this chapter. Â I’m learning…. It’s okay to ask for help.
I’ll keep you posted dear friends!
P.S. I have lost 7.5 lbs. Â I’m not ready for a bikini anytime soon but things are changing….
20 thoughts on “Time to Update!”
Kimberly – My heart goes out to you. I read your post twice to make sure I fully understood your situation. I’m so impressed with your candor and sharing. Making peace with trauma and change (the kind we don’t initiate) is the hardest thing ever. My prayers go out to you as you evolve into a new Kimberly with the same wonderful spirit your family and friends know.
Remember not only to take care of yourself, but also to BE KIND to yourself!
I went through panic disorder many years ago and I hated that I was it in control all the time. I could not understand or forgive myself. It was after my (now ex) husband got back into remission after the second occurrence of a really aggressive cancer. Once I didn’t have to to care of him all the time, my body just caved under the stress.
I can tell you from the other side that that experience altered me for the better. Compassion, kindness and empathy replaced pity and non-understanding of those suffering from depression, stress and anxiety. I am much kinder and gentler with myself and my family.
And Weight Watchers is wonderful!!!
I continue to pray for you and your family. Jesus tells us to forgive; remember to start with yourself! You are a wonderful person!
Love,
Lynne
Good for you Kimberly! Struggling with depression myself it’s not easy (at all) to admit it to anyone, even ourselves. I’m glad you see the benefit of taking care of you! Now then I need to do the same thing!
Please know the hardest step was going to the doctor. Take baby steps. This didn’t happen quickly so it will take some time to resolve. Thankfully your doctor sounds like a keeper. You will be in my prayers. Health issues are very difficult to navigate but with love, support and faith it is possible. These aren’t trite words but come from someone who is walking down the path also.
We all need a kick in the pants at some point. God should have made us with a slow down button but he didn’t so …. I’m in a similar boat. Glad that you are listening and taking steps. That alone is huge. One thing that I found is a “journal” type of page in my planner. I made it in word.. I have a spot to say what I’m thankful for, what was awesome and what should have been done. I don’t do it every day its more a week thing for me. just one liners to help me remember the positives….like yeah it’s 6 am and I got last night’s dishes done!! that was awesome…I played tennis with the kids for 1/2 hour! I prob should… vaccuum more than 1x a week. when I’m feeling crappy sore and tired I can look back and see the ups and I can see what I need to work on. Stay well and be at peace w/ your progress….large or small.
thank you for getting what’s deserved to you & putting yourself 1st. w/everyone else. We do have these inner problems & there is always help…….HELLO…we are women thinking we can be super at anything, even changing a tire. Nurses are bad for this, so no more scolding yourseld!!! You’re on your way to a new you…!!!
Kimberley, I have followed your blog & FB & Instagram since almost the beginning. You are a total HERO to me, both from a stamping perspective, but also from a human perspective. Your bravery in sharing your journeys with the world are SO admirable. I wish you every success in your recovery and I know you will give it your all, as you have done with every other challenge you have been faced with. Take care!
Thanks so much for sharing with your readers. Look after yourself and follow through with all your appointments. Hope you are feeling much better soon.
My heart goes out to you Kimberly! I’ve been there, and I so understand. Kudos for taking the first steps. The more you stick with it, the easier it will get. So, hang in there and rejoice in all your accomplishments that are headed in the right direction. It’s SO hard to lose weight; it’s a constant struggle for me. But when you start losing and feeling so much better, you become stronger and HAPPIER. It’s all tied together. Know that I’m here to cheer you on and support you!
Four years ago, I changed everything about the way I ate, exercised, and thought about myself, and I was able to lose 40 pounds. This was after a lifetime of struggling with my weight and depression. When the pounds came off, I was able to stop all of my meds. Now, I feel years younger. I have to admit that I’ve slipped a little lately, but I’m on my way back (10 pounds to go!) Just know, you’re not alone. Stay strong:)
Kimberly, we don’t know each other but I have been praying for you for months and months. I love your blog and I look forward to your posts and your beautiful art. I also kind of panic when you are a little MIA. I myself, kind of stress hoping nothing else has happened to your family. I think that it is so amazing what God lays on our hearts when we pray for one another. I don’t know but I love you because you are my Sister in Christ. You take care of yourself.
It takes such courage to put this out there and I feel all the more blessed to know you because of it. Taking care of you is the most important focus because a healthy you makes everyone else healthier too. Know how much we love you and are here for you in your journey. Hugs and prayers for you!
Angie, so glad to hear from you again, I agree with Debby, when you don’t post for so long, it’s like oh no, I hope everything is ok. I have always had you and your Prince and children in my thoughts and am glad that you are close to your mom. Well, I know what you are going through as far as thinking you can do everything, there is nothing wrong, you are ok, you just go on. Well, after losing both my brothers, nine years apart, I don’t know, maybe I didn’t grieve long enough because I had a husband and son that I had to take care of, I worried about my mother and sister, well after a few years, just when I thought everything was fine, I was happy and wasn’t worrying about anything, BAM, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I started with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Six months after my fortieth birthday, I woke up changed. The loss of my brothers had to be the cause because til this day, I don’t really know what else it could have been. Maybe it was worrying about buying our first home, who knows. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. After researching on the internet over and over and over, I told myself I had to go to the doctor because I didn’t know what else to do. Well, I ended up on meds and counseling. I am now just weaning off the meds in the hope that I don’t revert back. I’m trying to think positive. My husband had a heart attack and ended up having to have a defibrillator put in, then he had to have rotator cuff surgery. He is doing wonderful now, every once in a while, his shoulder bothers him but he deals with it. Anyway, now I need to concentrate on losing weight and feeling good about myself. It is very hard to do things for yourself because it’s almost like you feel guilty, but, if we don’t take care of ourselves, who will take care of our loved ones 🙂 You stay strong and know that you have people that care. BIG HUGS to you all. (I wanted to share a little bit of my life to let you know, you are not alone.)
This post has really spoken to me. You and your family have been in my prayers — and will continue to be. As I become more and more consumed helping to care for an aging parent, I also see myself in this post and a decline in my health (and the weight gain) as I put others first. Thank you for sharing as you are making me think — and I know I can benefit from a self-kick in the pants. Thank you for sharing and leading others to the self-reflection we can all benefit from.
Wow, big thank you for being truthful to yourself and your family/friends…..any kind of change in our ‘normal’ body and emotional is stressful and hard to accept….BIG applause and pats on your back for starting your recovery….we know that you can do it….just take your time, go with the ups and downs, as they will come, but keep those big panties where they belong and let your family and close friends help you….! We will be here when you are ready to come back….just continue to keep you as your first priority so that you can again be the caretaker of your family…they love you and want to help you all! Gentle hugs your way!
Hi Kimberly! Has anyone ever told you how wonderful you are?! Well, of course I know scores of people have said it, and I hope you have heard!! Your posts are always inspirational and this one takes the prize for your honesty and sage advice. You are so right when you say we can’t be superwoman! I think so many of us try, not to break any records but because so many people depend on us. Like Catherine, your post really spoke to me. Sometimes we have no choice about the demands placed on us, but you are right that we put ourselves last! I will take your brave, sincere post to heart and try to do one small thing for myself every day without feeling selfish. I think it is important to show our kids that we think we matter enough to take some time for ourselves so they don’t end up in the same boat! You are in my thoughts and prayers…take the time you need to feel 100% Kimberly again and remember it’s not a race, but a journey.
I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day…you are such a great Mom, wife and daughter!
YOU are an amazing lady, Kimberly! Your blog is heartfelt and sincere, and with every word, we all reach out to you with a HUGE hug. It’s not easy but you’ve pressed forward and have endured many obstacles. You WILL get through this. And you have so many of us who stand by your side cheering you on as you inspire and motivate us in everything you share. On Mother’s Day, may you spend the time knowing that YOU ARE LOVED!
Thank you. Your truth has spoken to me
Kimberly you are on the right track. I’m praying for you strong woman! Follow those doctor orders and take care of Miss Kimberly. I bet you’ll be your old self again soon. Thanks for sharing with us your blogging family. I’m hoping to see you soon – in June if at all possible… Barb
Thank you for sharing your life with us – both the ups and downs. Big hugs to you and your family. Let others help you. It is good for you and also for them.
Kimberly,
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. That took a lot of courage and strength. I’m glad to hear that the problem is something that you can address / do something about. You’ve never ceased to amaze your readers. Please know we are rooting for you – and praying too. We are by your side in spirit!
Hugs,
Lisa
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