Time to Update!
I’ve been meaning to sit down and catch you up on my absence but I just didn’t know where to start. I would sit down to write only to walk away with no energy to finish it. Not a great feeling, but the truth.
Since January I have felt physically BLAH. I’m normally mentally BLAH but this was now physical. Getting up out of a chair was painful. Every one of my bones hurt and I felt like I was 80 years old when I was getting out of a chair. Not kidding. I’m only 44 so that was starting to scare me. Not to mention the complete lack of energy. I didn’t want to do ANYTHING except lay on the couch and sleep.
Having 2 teenagers in the house means there isn’t a lot of time to sleep. <sigh>
I finally went to the Dr. the beginning of April and the nurse in me had pretty much diagnosed myself. I was 100% sure I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and my weight gain had to be because of my hormones.
After much testing (complete overhaul) I went in to hear the results.
STRESS & Adjustment Disorder….
WHAT? Are you kidding me? I didn’t feel stressed at the moment and I’m pretty sure I can adjust to anything at this point.
I could feel myself slinking down in the chair as my Dr. discussed this with me. I started hearing all of my dearest friends and families voices, “Kimberly, don’t forget to take care of YOU during Russ’ recovery!” Honestly I felt like I was getting a spanking from the Dr.
More discussion lead to more understanding of what was going on. As much as I wanted to blame my weight gain on my hormones it wasn’t the cause. Stress was the cause. As much as I wanted to blame my tiredness, lack of energy and bitterness on hormones… Depression was the cause of it.
Why did it hurt to move then? Why are my bones hurting? Well, that’s because STRESS has overtaken your body Kimberly.
I went home with a slew of referrals, meds and a big kick in the pants. It was time to really put on some BIG BIG girl panties and take care of me. That’s not easy for the girl who loves to take care of everyone else. I was embarrassed as well.
First things first, I started Physical Therapy to help with the terrible hip pain caused by Bursitis. Who knew your muscles could basically freeze up from lack of moving. Here I thought I was moving around all the time. Not true.
I also started a workout program, weight watchers and this snowballed into a massive life changing experience. As much as I didn’t want this to happen, there was no getting out of it. I’m committed.
The hardest one to tackle for me was the label of Adjustment Disorder….
Umm, I’ve been known to adjust pretty darn good. The truth was I am not adjusting to the new normal inside my home. In fact, I almost mourn the past. I can’t get through a conversation without the mention of the STROKE. I try hard not to say it, but somehow it always comes up. Yes, I’ve struggled with the new normal. In a sense I think there is a bit of anxiety related to all of this as well. The “What if’s” are always on my mind.
What if he has another stroke…
What if he can’t regain all of his strength…
What happens when he retires?
Questions I have no control over yet they are constantly on my mind.
The good news….
I’m getting it all taken care of. Depression is not something to mess with. I’m getting the help and putting my pride to the side.
I’ve written before that sometimes we think as women we are Superwoman. I’m here to tell you that it’s all make believe and we are not. As much as we try, we can’t be all things to all people all the time. At some point you have to raise the white flag and take care of YOU.
In all of this, as hard as it was to type I know God has been faithful in this entire journey. I’m learning knew things all of the time. I just pray that my story can help someone else. The stoic Kimberly didn’t plan on this chapter. I’m learning…. It’s okay to ask for help.
I’ll keep you posted dear friends!
P.S. I have lost 7.5 lbs. I’m not ready for a bikini anytime soon but things are changing….